I Watched The New Mutants, So You Don’t Have To.

See them in theater? James would say no. (20th Century Fox/Disney)

Written by James Augspurger

Peter Capaldi once said, “Real heroes are all around us and uncelebrated.” There’s a truth to this. The single mother working tirelessly to give her child a better life. The guy in a crowded subway who gives his seat to a man in uniform. The soldier giving water to a boy in a faraway country. And then, of course, James (me). I watched The New Mutants, so you don’t have to. 

We’ve all heard of the new X-Men spinoff movie, The New Mutants. Starring 2017 Maisie Williams? And other people, I guess, it doesn’t matter. The movie had many production complications and premiere delays, which I’m sure heightened the anticipation. They just kept edging us. Now that this movie has finally been released in recently reopened theaters, and even though everyone is obviously definitely “excited” about this movie, there’s one major problem; there’s still a bunch of covids outside! That fact has made lots of people question if they want to sit in a room with a bunch of potential Rona-havers. Which is why I heroically went and did that for you. Like my boy Oliver North always said, “Heroes are people who place themselves at risk for the benefit of others.” 

Let me predict some questions you may have, like, “Was it a good movie?” And maybe also, “Should I even continue reading this idiot’s thing?” The answer to both of those questions is an easy ‘No.’ It was a less than mediocre version of everything this movie tried to be. It wasn’t suspenseful enough to be a thriller. The action was just ok for a superhero movie. It wasn’t scary enough to be a horror movie. I will say that it wasn’t definitely on the money when they chose to make it a not good X-Men movie. And that’s why you shouldn’t go watch The New Mutants. Well, that, and almost a week prior to me watching it, I heard that the current coronavirus may potentially be airborne, as researchers were able to collect the virus in aerosols up to 16 feet from covid patients. So, probably, don’t go to a theater yet. Allow me to go for you instead. If I can keep at least a few of you to keep from potentially spreading a harmful virus, then my cause will be successful. A cause which was inspired by Joseph Campbell saying, “A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.” 

As someone who has braved the coronavirus to watch a movie that’s not worth it, I’ve experienced all that AMC is doing to prevent the spread of Covid-19, which is wiping some shit a little more, I guess? It’s the same stuff you see in grocery stores. Only now, instead of just passing some people, you can sit not as close to them for about an hour and a half while pretending to wear a mask in the dark the whole time. And, also, there probably won’t be too many videos of people yelling about being told to wear a mask during the movie because it’s illegal to talk during the show. So, it’s all seemingly performative. Gerard Way, of My Chemical Romance fame, once said, “Heroes are ordinary people, who make themselves extraordinary.” That made me realize that if a lowly me can keep you from doing not smart things by doing those not smart things myself, I can become extraordinary. Humbly, of course. 

I’m not asking to be seen or spoken as a hero in private or public, because if you’ve actually read this far, you can see that I can do it myself plenty. What I am asking is, if you are thinking of going to check out Disney’s Marvel’s Fox’s The New Mutants (that stars people that aren’t as new as they look in The New Mutants), maybe think twice about it. Check on the infection rates in your area? Ponder if it’s worth it by looking at reviews and realize that it kind of sucks. Remember that I am here to go to a theater for you instead. The late, great Maya Angelou once said, “I think a hero is any person intent on making this a better place for all people.” If absolutely none of you go to the movies, then the Ron’Ron’ can’t be spread through them, and it will be safe for me to go. And I’ll happily and humbly be that hero for you. 

In other non-related news, Chistopher Nolan’s Tenet will be in theaters on September 3rd, and I am definitely literally dying to watch it!