Some Good(?) News

Written by James Augspurger

As most of you may know, our current year is still 2020. Even though it’s only been 5 years since it started, it feels much longer. It began with a literal hell storm right in all of Australia, and the year hasn’t stopped surprising us. But in March, something happened. It caused us all to have plenty of time to spend with our loved ones, exercise, read a book, check on your health, maybe even look at some inner character flaws to work on. Or instead, drink profusely, angrily, and in bed. Possibly while watching John Krasinski’s Some Good News. You know, that show that’s not good.

We should all know John by now. The lovable villain from The Office. Every millennial’s crush. The exact reason the phrase “looking for the Jim to my Pam!” is on every last dating profile. Well, that guy started a little YouTube show at home: Some Good News. A show highlighting a few little happy instances in the world. He gave it to us during a time when anxieties are high, regular news is consistently and bafflingly bleak, and hope is a happy memory. There has been death, there have been lies, there has been apathy. So many of us are experiencing a light claustrophobia, with a sprinkling of agoraphobia at the same time. So SGN has been a perfect distraction meant to remind us that we don’t have to get sung at by Gal Gadot. A song that asks, “What if there is no God?” in the year 2020. The godless year! Read the room, Gal!

Now, Some Good News is nice and sweet, admittedly. Is it super entertaining? Eh. Too long? Probably. Maybe better if shorter? Give it a Quibi? Whatever that is? But that’s not the issue. The trouble with the show is that it’s not enough. Sure, it’s nice to highlight the world’s appreciation for the world’s nurses. And I’m sure they appreciate all the gestures, even the low flying jets in New York! (Read the room, Pilots!) It could possibly be a slightly better idea to present a certain ‘good news’ and maybe follow it up with a way to work at creating more of that ‘good news’ that you talked about. Highlight some systemic issues that can be worked on to advance that particular area of the good news.

On April 7th, there was a bill proposed that would give premium pay by the government to essential employees during this pandemic, from healthcare workers to bagboys. Up to $25,000 per employee. Maybe John could have raised awareness of this bill as a good measure that was proposed. Instead of highlighting that in his next episode, Krasinski put together another appreciation video and gave a few nurses some baseball tickets. Really nice! Not enough?

In the first episode of Some Good News, he interviewed a girl named Coco, who just finished cancer treatment. Super awesome. She got the praise and spotlight she deserves. The video of her coming home is an honest tear-jerker, or frog-throater. That one sounds gross. What he could have gone on to mention, as an “in related news” segment, was the new test that could detect 50 types of cancers, or the bra that can detect early stages of breast cancer. Both of which are in early stages and need some work and funding to be more accurate and successful. Some awareness could elevate the show from a simple distraction, to a possibly effective source of change. He didn’t even bring up the toilet that can also detect cancers. FROM YOUR BUTT CREATIONS! It can also identify you by scanning your moist puckers! Because much like snowflakes, our anuses are unique. And isn’t it heartwarming to know that this toilet does not judge us on what our butts look like? It knows that what matters is on the inside. Of our assholes. And that’s the goodest news of all.

I don’t mean to sound like a Cynical Cindy. I enjoy good happiness. An unsubtle smirk at the camera letting us all know that we’re part of the joke, too. Thanks for that, Jim “the office terrorist” Halpert. It is completely possible and extremely likely that John Krasinski means well. He just wants to give us flashes of feel-good stories. And I’m fairly positive his intentions do not lie with the fact that those feel-good stories can subsequently make us complacent that we have an Uno but are about to be dealt a Draw 4. The metaphor is clear, right? I’m sure he’s doing this out of the kindness of his pure heart and also the money he accepted from Viacom for his show.

Should we honestly be so surprised by the sell out? John Krasinski is an entertainer who entertains for money. And he’s pretty good at it, so he should get paid. Even the good Joker said, “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.” Sure, the Joker’s a villain who unsuccessfully tried to destroy the good in Batman, but the same happened between Jim Halpert and Karen Filippelli. What I’m saying is Karen Filippelli is The Batman. No, what I’m actually saying is John Krasinski seems like he’ll do anything for money. For example, he plays Jack Ryan in Jack Ryan, the Amazon show where he plays another dude whose name starts with a J, but also the show that was influenced by the actual CIA about a cool CIA boy. Some may call it research, others may call it propaganda, and others (me) may call the show boring. In PR interviews for the spook boy show, Krasinski essentially licked the stinky snowflake of the Central Intelligence Agency, while the CIA presumably laid on its back with its legs behind its head.
“The CIA is something that we should all not only cherish but be saying, ‘Thank you,’ for every single day.” – John Krasinski’s actual mouth
This sounds like I dislike John Krasinski, but I 50% don’t. He’s the super jacked, yet still charming hero of Benghazi whose name also starts with a J. My name starts with a J! It’s a personality trait, I think! But he created SGN to make the normie-types smile. He reportedly got early offers and was like, “Maybe I shouldn’t sell it.” And then, a few weeks later was like, “Wait, how much!?” Now, the show belongs to ViacomCBS, a media conglomerate who obviously understands regular people. For example, despite John Krasinski existing and already hosting SGN, they decided to replace him with some yet to be chosen person. So, I guess, anyone else on the planet? That was sarcasm to express that they often don’t understand regular people. There’s even an entire show made by a media conglomerate about how a media conglomerate is run by people who live in an entirely different world than regulars: Succession on HBO. It’s super good. Throw money at them so you can watch it. Or throw money at Hulu, which is owned by Disney, so you can watch it there. I’m a hypocrite who lives by nothing he believes in.

If you watch and enjoy Some Good News, if it brings you comfort and joy, by all means, tell me to fuck off and continue watching it. We are all hurting right now and that’s ok. Whether it’s SGN or a specific porn video you play on loop, if it brings you solace, continue. Don’t let me, a cynical idiot, keep you from your smile. We all need it right now. We don’t know what’s going to happen next week and that is weird and scary. But to Quibi this up, if you enjoy Some Good News, maybe ponder on the fact that from here on out, its main purpose will be profit, and whether that’s a good thing or not. Also, and just as important, even though Gal Gadot is pretty much half of what’s leading the DCU film franchise, the other half being Margot Robbie (silent T’s in the house!), we never need her to sing one of the okay-er classics of dead musicians again.